Today, beloved reader (since i only have 1 reader I intentionally use the singular here), I am here to tell you the story of a man.
A myth.
A legend.
Beloved by some, hated by others, he made dreams a reality, and in his darkest moments dashed our hopes against the rocky shoals of madness. Cast away from from the people he loved, he wandered aimlessly. His greatest sins were committed at that point, until he discovered that not all was lost.
He found absolution, and like a phoenix was reborn, more powerful than ever and returned to us with a most precious gift.
I speak to you, reader, of Brett Ratner
From the diseased mind who brought us X-Mans 3: The Last Straw, Ratner has created something wonderful. Something fun, something enjoyable for the masses, the intellectuals, children & the disabled.
He has given us Hercules.
I sit here after braving the fires of Hades on my trip home from the theater, completely satisfied, above and beyond my wildest expectations. Hercules, the 2014 film starring Dwayne Johnson, is a completely faultless Swords & Sandals epic tale of the untold heroism of Greece's most famous multiple murderer/animal abuser.
I had heard before I saw the movie that it was the most historically[mythologically] accurate Hercules production to date, and that piqued my interest. What resulted was nothing short of one of my favorite films of the year. I had so much fun at this showing, I almost don't know where to start in this analysis, so forgive the scattered nature of my diatribe.
A detailed plot synopsis is unnecessary, since i was never once angry or upset or bored or confused by what was displayed onscreen.This is honestly something that should be watched, wholeheartedly with enjoyment. Basically the movie starts with a recounting of the legend of Hercules. Born from a union of god and mortal, he was destined for greatness from the start. The narrator of the story lightning fast recounts Hercules' encounter with the Hydra, the Nemean Lion, and the Erymanthian Boar.
It's soon revealed that the narrator is a young man (Iolaus), retelling the story of Hercules to his captors as he dangles of a spike that threatens to impale him. The pirates laugh off the threat of Hercules, a mere story, until Dwayne Jonson strolls into frame with the lion hood Hercules is so well know for. He threatens the pirates to leave or die, he gets paid either way to get rid of them.
attacked by the pirates, Hercules lures the gang into a trap, where he and his merry band of sidekicks handily defeat them.
Here's where you know this is gonna be enjoyable.
Hercules has five sidekick assistants that he picked up during the course of his Labors.
1: A crazy mute berserker, Tydeus of Thebes played by some guy i don't know.
2: His nephew, Iolaus a young storyteller and not much of a warrior, who spreads the legends of Hercules.
3: Atalanta, a kickass Amazon archer who puts Legolas to shame played by some pretty but tough Norwegian actress.
4: Autolycus, his childhood friend, and master bladesman, played extremely distractingly by Rufus Sewell. When i first saw him onscreen i went "is that Rufus Sewell? It looks like him but his eye isn't off center." the next two hours were torture as i was trying my damndest to figure out if it was him, until the credits rolled and to my surprised confirmation it WAS. I can only assume he has made enough money of his long and enjoyable career to get his lazy eye fixed.
and finally, 5: Amphiaraus, the spear wielding seer, played by Ian McShane.
Ian. Fucking. McShane.
The rest of the movie plays out in a fun way, Hercules is a mercenary and gets hired by still-living actor John Hurt, king of Thrace, to help him defeat this bad guy who is terrorizing and trying to conquer Thrace, and Hercules trains an army, they battle the guy and defeat him, but it turns out JOHN HURT is actually the bad guy, usurping the previous king and basically tricking Hercules into creating a military dictatorship.
It's a great 2nd act twist, and is played really well, and Hercules winds up smooshing John Hurt with a giant statue of Hera.
The most interesting part of this movie is the fact that there are no supernatural events in it. Hercules is a normal man of great strength (which is obvious since he's played by The Rock, more muscley than i have ever seen before), but still just a normal man. the hydra was only a gang of thieves that King of Athens JOSEPH FIENNES (i'm not lying when i say this was an all star cast) ent him to kill.
his sidekicks helped him defeat the Nemean lion and Erymanthian boar with tricks and teramwork.
Nothing about this depiction of Hercules is supernatural, for all we know the gods do not even exist. His labors are merely the result of folklore and embellishment by those retelling them.
It's a fascinating and refreshingly enjoyable angle for a big budget action movie to take. Sure it was only rated PG-13 so you didn't get any awesome decapitations of greek full frontal nudity, but at the end of the day it wasn't needed.
Hercules had a chariot that had giant horizontal swords pop out of it like springs.
He flipped a charging horse and rider over his shoulder and said "fucking centaurs".
Ian McShane kept prophesizing that he would die from a flaming spear to the heart, and when a spear was thrown at him and passed through fire before it hit him he opened his arms and closed his eyes, ready to die, only for Hercules to GRAB THE SPEAR OUT OF THE AIR AND THROW IT BACK AT THE GUY THAT CHUCKED IT.
It's things like that that made this movie unironically fun and worth watching. I might even go so far as to say it's worth owning on DVD. It was well shot, well acted, and even well written. If you have the chance to see it, go for it. You have my blessing and encouragement. It's stuff like this, that lets you walk out of a theater HAPPY, and smiling, that makes the day worth living.
The world is better off for Hercules existing, to the point where X3 is but a distant memory and only minor mistake.
It is a good day to die. either we go to Elysium to sit in the shade of heroes, or, to quote Autolycus: to Hades, where all the fun people are.
