Hate taste? Hate horror? Hate women? You'll love this.

I'll be frank: Contracted is the worst horror movie ever made. Possibly one of the worst things ever made.
Not like, "oh i can't finish this" or "my god this is disgusting" it's more like "Oh man this makes Rob Zombie's execrable Halloween remake look like Gone With the Wind "
Don't watch it. Especially don't watch the sequel, both currently streaming on Netflix. Why did I?

Well Acacia was at school and I got home 6 hours early and was sitting on the couch with the dog and I was all "oh man, only 74 minutes and it's a zombie movie why not check it out before studying my nuclear magnetic resonance unknown compound assignment?"
1: longest 74 minutes in existence.
2: not a zombie movie, or a body horror movie, more like a trash movie
3: should spend more time studying Ochem .

I don't want you to watch it. It's disgusting, it's gross (there's a difference), it's offensive, it's almost every kind of "-ist" you can think of, i honestly do not know who could watch this and go "oh man i want more."
The only positive thing i have to say is the end credits music was pretty ok. Put on netflix and skip straight to the black screen with the white text if you absolutely have to.

"Why did you have such a negative reaction" no one asks?. Well i'm still going to tell you. You may know that I spent a lot of time on my Jurassic Park 4: Jurassic World 1 review on that hilariously frustrating pterodactyl scene. My issue was with the bizarre sudden violence inflicted on a character for no reason aside from her basically being onscreen, and the possible ways to improve that violence like having it happen to a hapless Paul Blart-esque security guard instead, since i am a fan of appropriately levied carnage.

I was initially curious about Contracted from the disturbing cover and description on netflix: a greyed-out picture of a woman with one eye turned spoiled milky-white, her cheeks gaunt and one side of her mouth cut and bleeding, almost black with rot. It's an alarming image, and the description matched it, the main character afflicted with a progressing disease causing the piecemeal death and decay of her own body after a one-night-stand with a stranger.

FIRST OFF: The description is a lie. It's a rape. The main character is raped, in a chilling scene that unfortunately is extremely well-made depicting a non-violent sexual assault where she has been roofied and not in control of her mental faculties, the camera set in a static position outside the rocking car where in between moans and gasps she begs her attacker to stop, that they shouldn't be doing this.
It's a fucking effecting goddamn scene, you sit there watching it as a dog looks at you with his baleful brown eyes and you absolutely 100% understand the definition of sadistic, drug-facilitated, all-too-common sexual assault that is just endemic to our trash abhorrent good ol' USA #1 culture.

Man, did I expect a Romero-style social commentary with that sprint out of the starting gates. Do you get it? Fuck no.

The premise of this turd starts with a nameless, faceless figure fucking a corpse in a mortuary, washing his hands poorly, then driving away. The opening titles play, the camera panning over pretty flowers, and then it says DAY 0 in big block letters. Classy.
We follow Sam as she navigates the last days of her life, starting with her fruitless calls to the voicemail of a woman she's obviously involved with, and then her trip to a party her friend is throwing that is attended by Fat Neil from Community, a beta male, and the guy we saw fucking the corpse earlier.
Sam's friend is almost overjoyed that she apparently is broken up with her girlfriend and forces cup after cup of 90% vodka. 5% mixer into her hand (the friend is played by a woman who looks and acts so much like Mary Louise Parker that i think my extreme dislike of Weeds bled over into the movie at this point).
She encounters the beta-male (named Riley who is the main character in the second movie which goes Highlander 2 on the premise of this shit) who we immediately figure out is in love with her despite her sexual orientation and her still technically being in a relationship, and he also goes to the restaurant she works at every day for lunch and sits in her section in order to be in contact with her. This guy, man, it's a good thing they got a guy that looks like a weasel. Go look up "nice guy" in urban dictionary and you see this piece of shit's face.
Sam shoots down Riley since she is a homosexual and not attracted to him and thinks he's boring, and her dumbass Weeds-lookalike friend gets her more drunk to the point the necrophiliac human-shaped thing approaches her as she stumbles in the unoccupied kitchen, and hands her her "drink" (it's a cup full of drugs spoiler alert). They have a boring conversation where the monster's face is 'creatively' out of focus or frame in each shot, and he winds up leading her to his car where he takes advantage of her inability to consent to sexual relations and rapes her continuously before driving out of the movie.

Immediate cut to DAY 1 and she wakes up in her house, hungover as shit and oh no her bed is full of blood and she thinks her period started. It goes downhill from there.
Basically the next 3 days ("creatively" titled DAY 2 and DAY 3..... OF 3 *dun dun duuuuun*) play out where her body is slowly decomposing and she waits until the second day to go see a doctor who basically tells her there's nothing he can do once he found out she's sexually active (DID YOU GET IT YET?).
I cannot fucking stress how terribly this movie is made. Sam moved back home with her intolerant christian mother after having trouble with her girlfriend (who is possibly the worst character in the history of film), and Sam has an extremely poorly-conveyed history of self-harm. Her mom is constantly shrilling "what did you do to yourself" and there's a scene with a gay conversion therapist I kind of zoned out on.
Sam is falling apart --which is supposed to be symbolic but instead it's just shitty special effects-- and nothing, absolutely nothing important happens until the last 30 minutes of the movie. This could have been a short film.
DAY 3 ... ... ... OF 3 Starts and it's a mess. Her teeth start coming out and her fingernails easily pull off, and when she's brushing her hair her scalp pulls off and she goes to see her ex-girlfriend. This lady is played by the most awful and annoying actor on the face of  the planet. Every second she's onscreen she sounds tired and bored and frustrated with the main character talking to her, and also has an english accent since why the fuck not, despite having a job as a server in the restaurant industry somehow can afford the cost of an immigration visa.
Sam winds up murdering her when her girlfriend tells her they're breaking up since Sam had sex with a man the other day, and then she goes over and murders the Weeds friend that told her ex that she saw Sam having sex(BEING RAPED).

~                                  ~                                             ~

There should be commentary there.

There isn't.

This wretched piece of shit ends on the third day with both of Sam's eyes basically rotting out, and the most disgusting black gash dripping down from the left side of her mouth to her chin, and on that thir day, TWO people admit their attraction towards her and kiss her directly on the mouth, moaning passionately.

At this point i have an experiment for you. Go buy a can of Fancy Feast. Pop the top of the can, and then place it in a glass box in your car and leave it in the sun for three days. Then go to your car, get the can, pull the lid off all the way, and tongue-kiss the blackened, decomposing, viscous, effluviant mess than drips out of that ruined meal for cats.

That's what it would be like making out and having sex with this woman who is progressively transforming into a walking corpse. It doesn't work. 

~                                  ~                                             ~

After the murder Sam calls the beta-male over to the house and in another unfocused or out-of-frame discussion, she tells him that she needs someone to talk to and that she always loved him since it's what he wanted to hear. They almost immediately begin having sex for some reason, him kissing her decomposing death hole and pulling off his pants before deciding to have unprotected sex with a zombie. The most DISGUSTING dialogue of the movie happens, where he says "oh it's so tingly" and "you're so wet (with congealed blood)" and "oh fuck there's something moving in there".
Riley pulls out and a bunch of mealworms like what my lizard eats fall to the floor in a pile of decayed tissue and fluid, then he runs to the bathroom to vomit.

Sam then stumbles out of the house, crying, gets into a car and crashes it into her mom's house and fully zombifies, this piece of shit ends with the cops facing the zombie down and her attacking her mom and BOOM cut to credits.

This trash conveyed nothing. A woman turned into a zombie from an STD spread by a sexual assault that is never called back to, and everyone she encountered also will turn into a zombie eventually since it turns out it's a disease somehow.

Contracted is awful. If you like it I desperately need to know why. Please help me, the reason for this existing makes no sense. You wanna know an actual horror and much better movie? Zombeavers. Go watch that instead, and listen to the end credits song.


In conclusion, I love horror movies. They're short, they're self-contained, and there's a billion genres tailored to your specific interests. This is supposed to be a zombie/body horror movie and it fails on all counts. Body horror is my favorite genre aside from scenes of Jason grabbing people and folding them in half like a book, since body horror is so goddamn unnerving. The concept of your own physical frame rotting away and changing in ways that are completely unknown and uncontrollable is alarming and a source of fear, one of the only ways that movies scare me.
This isn't it, it's just filming trash and shit and putting it under the genre of horror which it isn't. Fuck you, Netflix, for distributing this to people.

Here's the credits song so this wasn't a complete waste of time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z8MX9u9qiQ

License to Chill (your enthusiasm (since this is stupid))

Millions, billions, nay zillions of words have been written about the James Bond franchise. Anything that I have to say on the subject is simply parroting everything that has been said before about it, but goddamnit you're here and you're going to hear about it since if I had to sit through goddamn Spectre the way I did so will you.

Ch 1: The Expositioning

 When I went to the academy today I was rip-rarin' ready to go to post on a google hangout through the entirety of the movie about what was going on, and my reactions to the way the plot was playing itself out interspersed with a lot of cursing and bad joke. I didn't necessarily expect to HATE the movie, I might very well have wound up enjoying it (like with Lucy and The Last Witch Hunter) which has happened before, and will happen again.

It's perfectly fine to like a movie that other people don't like. Opinions are tolerable, within reason, and are a great resource for lively debate and argumentation on a subject. Tell me how much Wing Commander sucks and I'll agree with you wholeheartedly but still point out things I liked about it.

What is not acceptable is when a movie has promise (and a budget that could resuscitate the population of the critically endangered Bengal Tiger), and proceeds to absolutely waste all the goodwill i afforded it based off a positive relationship with other parts of it that made me happy.

I am so fucking pissed at what Spectre did to me that the little boy running through the aisles behind me, eating popcorn with an open mouth and loudly commenting on things did not even reach the level of ire that was directed at the screen. What follows is a post-mortem dissection of the rotten pustulent corpse that Eon Productions and MGM slammed down into theaters and bullied us into accepting since we weren't going to get anything else.

I love the Daniel Craig series. He's the first James Bond I was ever really interested in the whole way though a movie, and for goddamn sure the first one that I was excited to see again in a new adventure when the line "James Bond Will Return" came up at the end of the credits. Casino Royale revived the entire fuckin premise for a character like James Bond existing, updated for a new radically different world from which he was conceived, and jettisoned the ridiculous shit that had been tacked onto the series after multiple generations of writers had obv. run out of ideas. Also goddamn does that opening credits sequence get your foot tapping.

Quantum of Solace is the middle child of the series, and almost universally disliked by the popular culture, although I fully enjoy it. Even though the supervillain premise was a little esoteric, the characters kept it moving and watchable all the way to the credits. You have conversations that go places and aren't boring, action scenes that even though they defy the laws of physics are easy to follow and engaging, and music that doesn't sound like someone pulled a cassette tape out of a medical waste dumpster.

Everyone loves Skyfall. Not much more to say. Best opening song, period. Bond's relationship with M is probably the deepest we'll ever get into the character, period. Yeah it runs a little long, but Javier Bardem's white-hot rage and sadness carries the ending through and at the end when you find out Naomi Banks was Moneypenny and Ralph Fiennes is sitting in his office as the new M, you're all "huh, what a good movie that also happened to have a scene where a man is eaten alive by monstrous komodo dragons. I wonder what the next one will be about."

"What is Spectre really about?" you mockingly ask your 2012 self -- beaten down and bound to a post -- as you light a cigarette and spin the cylinder of the revolver containing a single bullet, "it's about nothing. you know nothing. looking for reason Spectre... is like looking for an actual specter."

Then you take a deep draw on the hand-rolled tobacco, pull back the hammer and point it at your own past head.

"But what's it's score on rotten toma-" you screamed.

You pull the trigger.

Darkness.

It's better this way.

Ch 2: You Can't Walk Out and Let It Beat You

It's hard to describe what Spectre wanted to do, since doing so is like trying to grasp onto light. It's all plot particles, careening away from the source in a wave-like motion in every direction at incomprehensible speeds.

However, through some miracle, there were parts of Spectre I actually enjoyed, even chuckled at:

Ex: The opening scene is probably one of the best action setpieces thought up for a Bond movie. A long single-shot scene through a Dia De Muertos parade in Mexico City leading up to an assassination gone wrong and Jamed Bond fistfighting an old man in a helicopter that's doing barrel rolls above a crowded city square before kicking both the pilot and passenger out hundreds of feet up, and he just flies off into the sunset.

Ex: Q, who I hope remains played by Ben Whishaw for a long time to come.

Ex: the one creative and hilarious death in the movie when Bond brutally murders the big henchman that has nails for thumbs.

Ex: Oh also Bautista who plays the aforementioned henchman perfectly, he's like the It Follows, tracking bond down wherever he goes

Ex: ... uhhh.... one or two of the jokes, maybe?

Everything else: just SHIT. (also spoilers but they should have no effect on watching the movie and if it does you're a loser)

Spectre's premise is a continuation and rehash of Skyfall's. Bond is aging, it's not his world anymore, everyone he loves dies, he's on his own, blah blah horseshit you find in 1st year screenwriting school.

This is particularly telling by the opening credits sequence, which contains, hands down, the. absolute. WORST. imagery and music that has ever been associated with the franchise.

Sam Smith's song is awful. Listen to it. It's all over the place, i can't even place what it's trying to sound like, he goes back and forth between an annoying falsetto and his regular voice as a piano taps its keys seemingly at random. And it's BORING. It's so slow and jarring, even if you don't care for QoS's "Another Way to Die" unless you are a soulless monster you have to admit it has more energy and drive in one guitar chord than this shit has in its entire length.

The video accompanying the music... there isn't an emojii that i can use to describe how alarmed I was watching it. It's basically tentacle porn, this terribly CGI designed octopus sliding its suckers all over the standard nude dancer in shadow, then everything lights on fire for some reason.

Also, why an Octopus? Specter barely had anything to do with octopuses, they did shit-all at explaining the origin of the group.

Following the uniquely terrible opening credits you have 2 1/2 hours to extract about 15 minutes of fun out of what you're sitting through.

Spoilers: The antagonist of the movie is James Bond's older adoptive brother, who murdered his own dad and faked his death in an avalanche and rose to become the head of a criminal organization that has infiltrated every level of every government in the world, but seeks only to torture Bond because he's upset that when his parents took Bond in after Bond's parents died they were nice to him.

That's his motivation. I'm not even making anything up or being hyperbolic here, Christoph Waltz tells us exactly why he's doing what he's doing and that he was the one pulling the strings behind the other 3 movies, being Bond's Phantom Menace.

That's supposed to be the secret real motivations behind the antagonists, which also involves the absolute stupidest macguffin that has existed in a movie since... think of something funny. The guy that plays Moriarty in Sherlock comes into Ralph Fiennes office at the beginning and is introduced as "C". We're informed that MI5 and MI6 are being merged for some reason, and the 00-program is on the verge of being cancelled... somehow.

Moriarty/C, who IS TOTALLY NOT A BAD GUY DON'T WORRY EVERYBODY tells M and Bond that he's the new head of the merged organizations, and is developing a program called "Nine Eyes" that involves 9 countries sharing their intelligence agencies to create a "New World Order" and prevent terrorist attacks on their home soil (also moriarty is a bad guy and spectre created the program to spy on literally the entire planet).

For reference those nine countries are: 1: The UK. 2: The US. 3: France. 4: China. 5: Japan. 6: South Africa 7: New Zealand 8: Canada 9: Australia.

I want you to read that list again and see which things are not like the other. If you already noticed it, i'm sorry you probably crashed your car from laughing too hard.

Not just at the whole goddamn premise behind multiple countries sharing all of their intelligence with each other (particulary china and the US ever partnering together and the weird inclusion of South Africa) but that the movie completely ignores the fact that Nine Eyes is designed to spy on the ENTIRE PLANET. Every single CCTV camera can be used by the program. Any possibly type of electronic communication can be spied upon by Nine Eyes and can take action on what they please.

The movie is a hairsbreadth away from creating the actual New World Order all of those conspiracy theorists talk about on their podcasts, and it's all undone because Moriarty cannot help giving away the fact that he is a bad guy since he's Moriarty, and that Christoph Waltz has a grudge against his little brother that he's jealous of.

It's so fucking stupid that THAT is the throughline of the movie.We're supposed to base a plot off that, the foundations of this piece of shit are built of styrofoam.

Ch 3: Guess Who's Wrong (hint it's tumblr)

So, a lot (a LOT) of attention was paid to the interpersonal relationships in this movie, since it came out in 2015 and we can't not dissect everything under a microscope.

If you're mad at the relationship that Daniel Craig and Lea Seydoux have in the movie, you're wrong. You're not only wrong, you didn't watch it apparently. Out of all the shit that this movie throws at you, their stupid relationship was the only thing that was at least halfway believable.

The complaints about hos "oh she said she wasnt going to sleep with him then 10 minutes later they fuck and then she's in love with him", did you even watch the movie?

Lea Seydoux plays Madeline, whose father is Mr. White, the guy that led to Vesper dying in Casino Royale and escaped MI6 custody in QoS. Christoph Waltz decided to poison him even though they were founding memebers of Spectre, and Bond tracks him down to try to beat information out of him before he dies. Bond and Mr White talk and then Mr White blows his own head off, and then Bond goes to try to find out what Madeline knows about Spectre.

She hates her father at first, since she knows he was an international terrorist, but when Bond saves her from being murdered by Bautista she has nowhere else to go but with Bond, and when they track down a hidden safe house Mr. White had she finds pictures he had of her as a baby to a young adult, even though she cut him out of her life he still cared for her and watched over her until he died. It's an actually nice scene, there's emotion there, for fuck's sakes.

THEN (here's where the complaints start piling in) Bond and Madeline take the world's fanciest train ride to the middle of the Moroccan desert. While on the train they have one of the most boring conversations on earth, and right as they toast their martinis, Bautista walks up and kicks the table they're sitting at into the ceiling. It's one of the funniest parts of the movie, this gigantic slab of a human kicking a table covered in glasses and cutlery into the roof of the train car, then grabbing Bond by the collar and throwing him through walls.

The following fight is one of the most interesting parts of the movie, since Bond gets the SHIT beat out of him, just constantly, but then right when Bautista is about to chuck Bond off the train (he never uses his metal thumbnails to try to scoop out Bond's eyes, which disappointed me since he does it to another guy at the beginning of the movie), Madeline shoots him in the shoulder and he turns around and DECKS her. Then Bond leaps up, loops a rope connected to a bunch of kegs around his neck, and kicks the kegs off the train. The rope runs out of coil and Bautista grabs the rope and says his first and only line "Shit." then gets pulled off the train and dies.

Madeline helps Bond up and they're both bruised and tired and look into each others eyes, and then they kiss. Two people, charged with adrenaline, experience a connection after a traumatic experience and are naturally aroused by each other since they're both beautiful and agree on a lot of things. HOW DARE THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS RATHER THAN THE BLACK & WHITE RULES I HAVE FOR HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER THAT RESEMBLES TWO COMPUTERS EXCHANGING INFORMATION MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

Ch 4: It Just Sucks

Spectre is garbage. There's so much fucking camp, like Bond flies a plane along a forested road and has both wings sheared off but WHOOPS the plane is still flying on the road and hits the jeeps he was trying to disable isn't that wacky?

No one aside from Bond and Madeline have anything to do. Moneypenny googles some shit for Bond and then leaves, Ralph Fiennes has the stupidest line of the movie while talking to Moriarty:

~"A license to kill also means... you have a license not to kill."~

Yeah ok Ralph i'll see you at the Oscars.

I really hope that this is the last Daniel Craig movie. Which sucks to say but unless they change directors and writers and producers it's true, and we're going to the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies that aren't Goldeneye all over again.

Everything is terrible, Bowie and Rickman are dead.

Vote Sanders.