Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is a fraudulent lie. It is a criminal act. It's not Batman, there's no justice or dawn of it, fuck it's not even a versus since technically just V and the versus part lasts 7 minutes.
This March was one of the most frustrating months i've experienced, the difficult organic chemistry course I triumphed in was nowhere near as frustrating as overhearing people discuss how much they enjoyed what they saw over the weekend. The amount of enjoyment that people gathered from this thing, the level of entertainment delivered, what is the majority of the american population smoking and can they please stop and just switch to some hand-rolled jazz cigarettes or PCP or something.
There's a recurring theme that I've noticed when trash is rolled out for consumption. A common defense of the indefensible, a criticism of critics. "People are too negative" or "I'd like to see YOU make something" or "This one is for fans" and other meaningless platitudes etc. But that's just an asscovering move to try to disguise the embarrassment of knowing its wrong to like something that shouldn't be liked.
This whole blog is evidence that I am a man of poor taste. I will proudly admit that I am not a very creative person, or an observant one, wise or thoughtful or insightful, I'm am who I am. Simple, sheltered and easily gratified. I own multiple copies of Wing Commander, I read the entire collection of Star Wars expanded universe novels before the prequels came out, and there are myriad other skeletons in my closet that I probably shouldn't publicly talk about.
I just watched my blu-ray collection of Blade movies, and I can wholeheartedly say that Blade: Trinity is better written, acted, directed and more entertaining than Batman versus Superman colon Dawn of Justice.
Where do I start outlining my problems with Batman versus Superman colon Dawn of Justice when it feels like possibly every single thing that could have gone wrong or been done wrong was indeed wrong? How about instead of sinking my arms into a pile of steaming reeking shit that even Dr Sattler wouldn't be able to analyze I list what was enjoyable and drew a laugh either from incredulity or almost entertainment not veiled in several layers of irony?
1 (of 1.5): Batman and Alfred. Ben Affleck is not the BEST batman, but he's also not the worst (Val Kilmer). He's interesting, has emotion when he speaks to people, when he moves onscreen it's possible to follow motion and doesn't give you a pounding headache, is a functioning alcoholic, and murders scores of mercenaries.
Jeremy Irons' Alfred is also the best Alfred since he's such a catty salty bitch to Batman when they're talking, is opposed to abortion rights, and he has a really cool vest that I envy.
Other things I liked: Joe Morton is Cyborg's dad, apparently, and much like his iteration of Miles Dyson just cannot fucking help but keep inventing super-advanced robotic technology and probably bring about the apocalypse.
Welp that it now let's get down to the nitty gritty piss-soaked entirety of the rest of the movie:
The people submit for the jury's interest article one: Superman.
Superman fucking sucks. I hate this iteration of superman, and everything associated with this new superman. There has only been one good human superman on film, and the animated superman program in the 90's was also pretty streets ahead. THIS superman though is whiny, unsympathetic, dangerous, disillusioned, potentially genocidal, murderous, and codependent. Smallville had a more mature Superman and he was supposed to be 16. And all of it is Zack Snyder's fault.
In fact fuck it let's just get to the real problem of Snyder. Zack Snyder is a sniveling hack shitbag crook who doesn't deserve to consume the massive amount of resources that he does and further the decline of our planet and stability as a species. Zack Snyder has never made a good movie. Dawn of the Dead is just OK, Watchmen is a study in almost success turning to failure, and every. single. other. pile. of. coagulated. excrement. is uniformly horrendous. I hate his busted-ass Mark Ruffalo-looking face. His creaky white boy voice trying to justify dickcheese is repulsive. And now he's been placed in control of a gigantic portion of our culture and a tremendous amount of resources people will slave away on and feel proud enough to put their names on and get paid and go home and feed their families, and for some reason a majority of our awful shitty society will defend it to the point of enjoyment. Batman versus Superman colon Dawn of Justice is not good, and it's wrong to like it. It's grimdark, it's funny in parts where it's not supposed to be and 5 of the 6 actual jokes in the move fall completely flat. It's unoriginal and lazy while at the same time somehow trying too hard to give you the details and things you need to be able to understand the rest of this shitty franchise thats going to be rammed down the throats of the placated masses so they don't revolt and demand straight communism which is the only way to fix society.
Lex Luthor had no motivation for being evil aside from just being a scene-chewing bad guy, and he was the most reasonable person in the film. He spent the entire time arguing for a method of control for Superman, and then he goes nuts and jerks off into a cloning tank mixing his DNA with General Zod (played by a puppet of Michael Shannon) which somehow leads to the creation of Doomsday.
Speaking of goddamn fucking Doomsday (a plotline featured ONLY in the last 15 minutes of the movie), he needed to be a gigantic CGI monster because of course he did, and they used the animation file of the cave troll from when the fellowship is attacked in the mines of Moria. This orc-looking motherfucker shows up like it was a big secret that he was actually the hidden antagonist of the movie unless you're not mentally handicapped and watched the trailer where they give away the entire plot of the movie. This absolute outright piece of plagiarism and laziness was astounding in the fact that every level of creative control signed off on it. And that's not even getting into how STUPID it is that Doomsday was created and dispatched in such a cast-off manner.
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NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT FEMINISM
Wonder Woman was the worst part of a ramshackle clanking blown-out jalopy of worst parts. First off, they hired a stick insect to play the representative and manifestation of Amazonian might and honor and powerful confidence presented to the world. Actors universally bring to a character the majority of our reason for LIKING a character, the writing is almost an afterthought (although it's equally as important).
Imagine Marcellus Wallace if he was portrayed by Woody Allen instead of Ving Rhames. Imagine if Justin Bieber was Deadpool. Imagine if Rey was Lisa Lampanelli. Gal Gadot is a horrendous choice for Wonder Woman, ain't got nothing on Lynda Carter.
For starters: it's now canon that the accent for Amazons is an Israeli accent (BDS is for another post). She has on average a negative amount of screen presence, becasue they hired a fucking supermodel to "act" up against actual actors like Ben Affleck and... well Henry Cavill doesn't count since he's method acting an Easter Island statue.
It rustles all my goddamn jimmies that they hired a model for the most important female character in the entire DC Universe. Name me another important woman that factors into the large-scale events in all of DC comic-dom. Power Girl, Supergirl (same person), Catwoman, Starfire & Raven, Harley Quinn now i guess, although i think Suicide Squad will be problematic at the very least.
Gina Carano is an actress that has a very sizeable filmography under her belt (Haywire if you haven't seen it go see it immediately, goddamn Crush on American Gladiators, Deadpool as a Colossus killer), and she's completely physically appropriate for the role. She's dark-haired, she's built like a brick shithouse, she can crush coal into diamonds with her thighs and she's beautiful. if you haven't noticed I have a crush on Gina Carano. Zoe Bell also comes to mind, and thank god for Quentin Tarantino for giving us to her since she's the goddamn actual body behind Xena: Warrior Princess and has all the qualities this iteration of Wonder Woman lacks.
Gal Gadot is a terrible actress. She's boring, she has no affect, the whole character is introduced incorrectly and comes to NOTHING aside from assisting in Superman's murder/suicide. The individual Wonder Woman movie is going to suck, even though it should since it's set during WWI which is my favorite historical setting for a movie.
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Also, what the fuck is up with Lex Luthor being the architect of the DC Cinematic Universe apparently. Batmam pulls a Snowden and steals his doxx, and Luthor has a folder on his desktop titled "METAHUMANS" ( let's not forget that a folder on the desktop of a computer containing incriminating evidence was also the integral plot point of Watchmen). Luthor has video of The Flash, Cyborg being created, Wonder Woman and Aquaman, like he's assembling the goddamn avenging justice league.
The Flash is a Kylo Ren lookalike who apparently can travel through time based off a weird dream sequence Batman has (there are 5 dream sequences in this movie).
Cyborg is a Terminator invented by Miles Dyson.
Wonder Woman has been complained about above.
And Aquaman. GOD. DAMN. Aquaman. Look I know that aquaman is not a tremendous pussy, he's stronger than superman. I get it. But THIS Aquaman is going to be portrayed by Jason Momoa, a veteran actor of Stargate Atlantis (awful crap i like), the Conan remake (awful crap i never finished), and died like a bitch in Game of Thrones (good shit (the books)), this standalone trash is guaranteed to be DOA, it cannot possibly be good.
What the fuck else am I supposed to say about something so stupid you wish it was illegal to enjoy, like a Hillary Clinton presidency or our current culture that prides the extinction of all things not human over Kardashians? It's wrong to like this. It's not on the level of being a nazi or a creationist, but it's goddamn close. The amount of people that enjoyed Batman versus Superman colon Dawn of Justice makes those stupidass fatcat 1% executives think they did something right, instead of funding Jodorowsky's Dune, or a tokomak fusion reactor, or sustainable biopolymer production from switchgrass/hemp.
This is bad and everyone involved should feel bad, and the trash that sat on the STAIRS in the theater next to me in order to watch this should feel bad for sitting through it.
It Will Soon Be A Wasteland.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MGGHkg_7MI
