How are you not entertained?

Phineas Q. Fucklesnake’s good-time all-natural guide to participating in a corrupted fetishized obligation to elect the next round of oppressors to represent us

Newsflash, for people that have apparently never observed anything ever, the American political process is kind of shitty flaming garbage. It’s almost like we’re a society that for decades has with reckless unchecked abandon run roughshod over the lower classes of the world. Latched vampire-like to the available resources of the planet, endlessly consuming and devouring with no thought of reason or purpose. A singleminded motivation to spread and dominate and consume, like a phage rapidly outstripping the productive capacity of the cell that it has infected and will soon cause to lyse open, a gushing spew of cytoplasmic fluid and endless copies of the virus washing over its neighbors.

I’ve been watching The Matrix too much. But my point still stands. There’s so much goddamn whining and complaining and shock about how we’ve got where we are like it was a mistake and not the direct result of the climate created by our political process for DECADES. And yes, while both main parties are at fault and are two sides of the corporatists imperialist coin, ONE SIDE in particular is several orders of magnitude louder, shittier, and more poisonous to the overall health of the planet and potentially universe.
Yes, republicans. This is a scientific fact but since they hate all science that is not ballistic or explosive I won’t delve into it because I don’t want to wear out my keyboard.

And so, we are led to this point in our lives; where we have to find the goddamn time on a fucking Tuesday of all days to make our way over to the stupid polling place that always, ALWAYS smells like farts and stale French fries, and cast a ballot on offices and propositions that it is our civic duty to give an opinion on, including the SEVENTEEN propositions of which there are TWO about plastic bags for some goddamn reason. I’m going to split this vivisection into two parts, people and non-people. There’s joke that Trump should go into the non-people section and yes ha ha you’re right that would get confusing and needing to type his name too much will make me want to p;unch my computer so I’m not going to do that.

First up, and most interesting and important, are the propositions. Haha I tricked you into reading this part first. Some of these I care a whole lot about, some I don’t but I’ll still give a reasoning behind supporting them or opposing them or suggesting you throw a bag of snakes into your polling place and leave.

51: Some dumbass measure where we magically create money for schools so kids can learn to read good and do other stuff good too

            I initially was highly supportive while reading this particular measure, because instead of shoveling gargantuan amounts of money into Americas military furnace to burn, why not shovel it into our educational furnace to burn instead since at least that’s likely to kill slightly less people? HOWEVER: 51 is a reacharound from the legislature that Governor Moonbeam already shot down. And his reasoning is solid, the state legislature needs have a better proposal for how to fix our crumbling school infrastructure (as well as make sure it goes to the neediest, brownest most impoverished schools instead of a fucking charter or lily-white expensive ZIP code). Fuck white people.
NO

52: Amendment that defrauds the federal government and funds Medi-cal and also benefits hospitals

            Here’s another bizarre world experience, when you started seeing those goddamn political commercials in SEPTEMBER I was all “oh fuck no I’m not signing off on these faux-caring hospital shits that just want me to line their health insurance pockets.” Instead it turns out this is a continuation of a genius measure that the state has been doing for a while now. It’s complicated but basically the state gets matching funds from the federal government for its Medi-cal program, and the money is effectively laundered through hospitals that then pay it back to the state. It steals money from the federal government and goes to service the neediest and most vulnerable among us. Fuck the federal government, less money to give to Lockeed executives for lap jobs. 

YES

53: Direct democracy at its finest, making sure everything goes as wrong as possible.

Ok so funnily enough, most bond measures don't exceed more than $2 billion, except ironically enough the one above us right now and that goddamn train that we voted on 8 years ago and has left us with a noticeable dearth of trains. However, we voted on that, and on this, oh would you look at a trend? It's almost like we ALREADY vote on the really large huge initiatives and this is a measure supported by those Howard Jarvis anti-government cocksuckers who endeavor to make sure the government does as little as possible that doesn't involve making sure they contribute as little to society as possible.

If this statue passes it's highly likely any bond project over 2 billion dollars would get broken up and passed as multiple smaller bonds, and inevitably lead to cost overlaps and then look you fucking idiots you wound up spending more money than before.

NO.

54: Obstructionist measures designed to continue the climate of gridlock and impotence down to the state level

Fun fact: it's already possible to view bills the legislature plans on voting on ahead of time on the internet, and the legislature also is recorded and it's the most boring, soul crushing possible thing you could watch this side of Fuller House. This is again a measure by as certain group of people that frame the measure as a common sense, more transparent way of governance when in reality it's specifically designed to prevent legislation from being passed. 3 days is a long time, and this prevents even a typo from being fixed without resetting the clock. It's like Pacific Rim, but instead of it being fun and exciting and no one going to see it, no one is going to see it and that's it.

NO

    

55: Fuck rich people.

The most insulting part of this was learning that the state income tax rate is the same for individual incomes ranging from $60,000 to $250,000. That's a really huge goddamn spread and there's a gigantic difference between those ends of the spectrum. Q_Q rich people oh no you can't afford everything all at once. Eat shit or kill yourself and let the state get your assets.

YES

56: Are you smokin' yet?

Simple. I support this because it will finally start taxing e-cigarettes, and I hate vaping more than actual smoking. That's not water vapor you're exhaling you caterpillar from alice in wonderland-looking fuck, stop blowing it in my face on sidewalks.

YES

57: Law & Order: Stabler's nightmare.

This makes sense. Making parole for nonviolent offenders and leaving it to a juvenile court judge on whether or not to charge a minor as an adult rather than the prosecution. I'm aware that not all of these people made mistakes and are sorry for their actions and are rehabilitated (like that fuck that stole my bike), but whatever. It's better to extend a hand in friendship than punch them in the face since you might cut your hand and then it gets infected and since obamacare will get repealed you'll die of a preventable disease.

YES

58: So many groups to marginalize, so little time.

So back in the 90's we were hell-bent on hating people different than us and decided "fuck those wetbacks, I don't want them mixing with my pure white children" and passed prop 222 (or something) that basically segregated schools based on language so the spanish-speaking children trying to learn were separated from their english-fluent counterparts, and we ALL know that the best way to learn a language is not to be immersed in it but to be isolated and alienated from the culture that speaks it. Duh. Except it was a huge mistake.

This makes sure we don't go back to that, and is much less hateful than the alternative.

YES

59: Do you oppose the Supreme Court's decision on Citizen's United and support it being overturned?

If you answer no to that question, you're an asshole and/or/and the ghost of Antonin Scalia, i am so happy that man is dead.

YES

60: A specific charity run amok, effecting the way we watch people fuck

Rates of STD transmission are greatly lower among the adult film industry than the general population, for starters. Yes, there is a lot to talk about regarding sex work, but guess what retard overregulation shit like this and measure B that makes liberals look bad isn't the way to start. Also the AIDS Healthcare Foundation is the Komen Foundation of the STD world and does more harm than good and is run by an insane man that is also opposed to Measure M because he hates trains and buses.

NO

61: If you think you should vote no on this you've been bamboozled by the manufacturers of your prescription for Bamboozlen(R). Brought to you by human target Martin Shkreli.

The only, ONLY way this would raise prescription drug prices is if the pharmaceutical industry decides to raise drug prices on the VA since this would force the state to only accept the rate paid by the Department of Veterans Affairs. 1/5th of all spending in California has been on the no campaign for this because the pharmaceutical industry is terrified of states growing a pair and not wanting to be bled like a stuck pig, and every single pharmaceutical executive would better serve the world by being liquidated and converted into soylent green and distributed to the hungry.

YES.

62: Are you a bad enough hombre to fix a broken flawed puntitively useless system of state murder?

The death penalty doesn't work. It doesn't prevent crime, it makes the state a sanctioned murderer to end a human life, as wretched and useless as that life is. By signing off on that authority we are no better than killers.

There's the ethical argument to it. The pragmatic argument to it is the last man we executed was Tookie Williams, a convicted murderer who used his position inside prison to advocate against the gang lifestyle he himself created and dedicated the rest of his life to make sure no one ever wound up where he was. WHOOPS. Also it costs a shitload of money and the prison guard union loves the death penalty since it means you can sit on your ass watching a computer screen and draw triple overtime or whatever.

It doesn't work. If you want a death penalty, then make sure The Punisher can walk free. Since only in the fantasy world of comic books does moral absolutes, black and whites exist.

Oh also innocent people have been executed before. Watch the Trial By Fire Frontline episode and fucking dare to disagree with me.

YES.

63: Guns, guns, guns.

Gun fever is still too hot a topic to debate. No matter how many kindergarteners are gunned down it will always be too hot to debate, because we are a broken murderous society obsessed with elevating the individual above all else.

However, shooting a gun is also really, really cool, and fun. Unfortunately since a certain black president took office, insane people have decided he's apparently the second coming of the British government and is hellbent on taking away all of our guns and replacing them with pots and pans and sending them to Kenya for his marxist brotherhood radical islamist terrorist transgender brothers. This initiative basically does two things: it makes California legal guns look even more hilariously stupid and cute with their tiny nonremovable magazines that you have to reload round by round like Tom Hanks on the beaches of Normandy, and when you buy ammunition the seller has to google your name and if it comes up with "terrorist" you're not allowed to buy ammunition. If it doesn't you can buy ammunition like normal. (Note: for some reason if you're white it always says "not terrorist", we don't know why).

If anything, maybe the prices of goddamn .22 ammunition will finally go down since the insane hoarders won't want the government tracking them and they'll stop buying ALL of it, and I can finally go target shooting with my nice wood frame ruger .22 rifle that I've wanted to use for forever and won't have to worry about my student loan payments while doing it.

YES.

64: Smoke weed every day when it is responsible and appropriate to do so only for those over 21 and probably closer to 30 and if you can afford it.

No war but class war. End the drug war. Let me learn how to grow plants in my yard and experiment with genetics.

I don't even do weed because it fucks with my head and I get really depressed and paranoid since I have serious psychological problems, but there is no reason to continue this ridiculous prohibition on jazz cigarettes especially since it's so easy to kill yourself with the current legal drugs.

Also I like hemp and we can replace the almond industry with hemp here and start churning out biobutanol fuels for cars which has the same combustive power as gasoline but can grow in shit soil and not steal food from the hungry. 

 YES

 

65: Why are we voting on plastic fucking bags?

In theory i would support this. However since the plastic bag industry wrote this specifically to invalidate the 67 ban on single use plastic bags it requires a strategic vote of no. Also it'll probably pass anyway it just needs less votes.

NO

66: Kill 'em all, let God sort them out.

The anti-62. Speeds up the death penalty process by forcing court-appointed attorneys to take death penalty cases even if they aren't trained for it, exempts prisons from existing regulations regarding how and where you obtain your lethal injection drugs (mainly since no one makes the drugs designed specifically for murdering humans anymore). Oh gee can you see the cruel & unusual punishment problems with this amendment?

If you really want the death penalty, then YOU go kill them. Go to the prison, request a meeting, and kill them if you care so much.

NO. 

 

67: The Better Bag Measure

Bans single-use plastic bags statewide. Guess what libertarians, LA banned plastic bags and now the California tumbleweed went extinct. No longer is the lone Ralphs plastic bag floating in the wind across the highway, being filmed by some asshole with a camera and a nazi dad. If 65 gets more votes it invalidates 67, which is why you have to vote strategically here. Trust me, please, as someone in preparation to become a conservation biologist, this matters more.

YES

PEOPLE

President: Marry, fuck kill.

There are only three options. Johnson doesn't count since the mentally handicapped cannot consent. There is only one right answer and it's because Jill Stein really pulls off that librarian haircut, although you have to have her CD on while you do it that's no problem since you can tune it out.

If you know anyone voting for trump, you should probably kill them, then vote however you want. Unless it's for trump, in which case kill all of them then yourself.

 

US State Senate: Literally the worst debate I have ever watched.

I commented on this before but I wondered why there was such a huge police presence at my school that didn't involve a protest around non-white lives. Turns out Harris and Sanchez were there to debate in the auditorium I took genetics in. Both candidates are fine, per se, and if this was Feinstein retiring I wouldn't care. But since we're losing Boxer in the senate, and I observed both of these ladies' public speaking abilities, I have to give it to Kamala Harris to be able to listen to for more than 2 minutes.

That debate was fucking awful. Harris was dying of thirst and refused to drink water before she spoke, and Sanchez was a bizarre shotgun of speech patterns and ideas.

HARRIS, just because. 

US House of Representatives 

In the 27th district, again Judy Chu since Orswell is a turd and every 2 years insists on running and making South Pasadena look like it's relevant.

CHU

 

IN Chelsea's 32nd District: It looks like you're the victim of our hilarious 2 past the post primary system. Napolitano looks like a solid representative, and is apparently concerned about important issues like women's reproductive rights as well as the environment. You could do a lot worse, and frankly her challenger Hernandez is cut from effectively the same cloth. Flip a coin or vote based on your personal preference it's one of the easiest choices to make this year.

EITHER

State Senator 25th District: 

This is for some reason a really visible election between the incumbent Anthonty Portantino who is an old man that is not really shitty garbage, and county supervisor Mike Antonovich who I disagree with on many political points as well as the way his campaign has been hounding me. I'm a registered no party preference and these assholes assume it means im a republican that is unwilling to admit it. Stop calling me on my cell phone Antonovich, I said no.

PORTANTINO 

Judges don't matter this time since there aren't any insane people running (with 1 exception). I don't even care that much, I mostly looked at personal history and endorsements.

11 Archuleta

42 Molina

84 Townsend

158 Berger (this one matters since the weird crypto-fascist american independent mailers i've been getting endorse Nguyen. I don't know why)

 

State Assembly: I'm Holden my cards

for my 41st district Holden hasn't betrayed me yet by being shitty.

In Chelsea's district 48 it's an open race for the seat occupied by Hernandez who's running against your congresswoman. Rubio is a better choice than Ellenson since she didn't publish a letter describing how much she isn't a politician, which Ellenson did. It's a very bad year to align yourself with a specific person that prides himself on not being a politician and bringing "fresh ideas" to government which in actuality are all of the old ideas but with a stupid red old man hat on.

RUBIO

Supervisor 5th District: Arguably the most important race in this ballot. County Supervisor is an insanely influential office. LA county supervisors determine a multitude of things ranging from parcel tax rate to voting rules and are often referred to as "little kings". Hence why it's important to NOT follow in the path of Antonovich with Barger and choose someone that doesn't stress market-oriented solutions to things since guess what the market doesn't functionally have any sense of morality or ethics and prizes profit above all else.

PARK

The end.

 

 Also the end at least for another year and a half of bullshit and i can graduate and start looking for employment and grad school in peace, goddamn.