California (commiefornia AKA fagifornia AKA cantifornia) is at loggerheads again, to decide on the basic tenets of democracy. We all vote, most of us are stupid assholes, and some pair of dipshits head to the final polls.
I have a lot of commentary on the dilution of the Democratic party because of all the weird hippies and morons competing for the same space that will split the vote and lead to Republican nominees but we can talk about that later after they are all dead, and me and you also, since the planet is hurtling towards complete societal collapse and it's not wrong since that means whales and turtles will survive longer than humans.
GOBERNATOR:
Republicans are a fucking joke for higher office in California, but that shouldn't detract from the fact that most of the TWENTY SEVEN fucking candidates in this primary SUCK.
Gavin Newsom and Antonia Villaraigosa are philandering pandering dumbocrats, both of them cucked some dipshits and fucked a bunch of women; Tony put his mistress up in a city job and Gavin just told his campaign manager 'yeah i fucked your wife who actually cares'. Neither of them paid hush money for their discretions, kind of, but you know who hasn't done any shit like that since he's too fucking busy keeping all of us assholes from eating trash? John Chiang.
If you don't vote for John Chiang for Governor then grab ahold of a Terryfold and fuck you, kill your parents.
LT.(smash) Governor:
No one really cares about the lieutenant governor, including Gavin, I dunno either vote for Kounalakis since Kamala Harris likes her or McLaughlin since she's a Bernie Bro and is progressive without outright saying we need to murder every wealthy person in Silicon Valley.
Sec. of State:
Padilla won't give up voter information to the dipshit fatass fascist most of your parents voted for and should be killed, but since he'll get a lot of votes go for Michael Feinstein, the Green that isn't connected to the war profiteer anti-privacy shitty senator Feinstein.
Controller:
I don't know what a controller is or does so just don't vote for a republican or I will use Spokeo and kill you.
Treasurer:
Fiona Ma displays actual competence rather than the mouthbreathing sycophancy that a "governors advisor" position actually is, which the challenger puts down as a profession. We need a new Chiang, she's smart and knows the complex capitalist math it takes to fix our stupid state.
Attorney General:
Acacia fucking HATES Becerra because he used to be her representative and then became AG since Harris became one of the better senators, but I still say Becerra doesn't suck. She just hates having to vot since I make her do it.
Insurance Commissioner:
Steve Poizner is a fuckin piece of shit Schwarzenegger ally, fuck him. Lara on the other hand used to work for Kevin de Leon so I'm gonna guess they're similar.
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US SENATOR
This is the worst election I've ever seen in California, it's worse than the 2003 recall election, every single asshole is running for office and none of them are Gary Coleman (R.I.P.D.) or a pornstar, so the electorate is gonna be diluted and the shit will wind up rising to the top rather than principled competent candidates that legitimately want to stop us from killing ourselves.
Kevin de Leon, rant over. Feinstein is an old conservative dumbocrat and her husband directly profited from the Iraq War and I'm never letting that go.
The Judiciary (LA County AKA Megacity 2): No one is named Dredd so it mostly doesn't matter so I'm gonna post a list of offices and just follow it
Office 4: Sauceda
Office 16: Michel
Office 20: Escalante
Office 60: Cho
Office 63: Lewis
Office 67: Vincent
Office 71: Gibbons
Office 113: Ribons
Office 118: Diamond
Office 126: Gilbertson
Office 146: Spear
SCHOOL SUPERNINTENDO:
Marshall Tuck (aka Fuck) is a charter loving piece of shit that should be beaten to death with ipads. Thurmond is the only real legit choice/doesn't jerk off corporations and blow them and rub ejaculate on his face like Marshall Tuck does.
Assessor:
Prang is the only person that's really publicly answered questionnaires and real estate is a scam, property is theft, etc. etc. but all the other people running seem like sharks too since they all work for him, I hope they get fired.
Sheriff:
DO NOT VOTE FOR BOB LINDSAY. Endorsed by Ted Nugent, he's literally a fucking maniac. Fuck the police but fuck this psycho more. Villanueva.
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STATE MEASURES:
68: Yes. If you vote no you literally hate the environment and should just bury your stupid fucking head in the dirt before you vote.
69 (lol): Yes. Stops shithead legislators from looting transit funds, "draw and quarter the piece of shit that owns Foothill Transit" should be the next proposition
70: Yes. We're gonna need it when the planet dies.
71: No. Pointless, stop fucking amending the state constitution with garbage like this it looks like a Simpsons joke at this point
72: Yes. Even the Rain is a great movie with Gael Garcia Bernal, that guy is cool as shit and Acacia is in love with him and would totally cheat on me with him and I can see why.
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There's a bunch of local offices and ordinances too, but the funniest one is the pair of Pasadena municipal elections that will determine if that stupid city will allow cannabis stores to sell shit there. I haven't changed my voter registration from Pasadena for a reason, and it's for this, so I can vote to allow pot to be sold in Pasadena so my mom doesn't have to drive far to a store to buy weed, since seeing her smoke marijuana is one of the weirdest and funniest things I've ever seen. She is high as shit all the time when she doesn't have to work now, and if anyone deserves to get stoned and watch Star Trek it's her. I love my mom and she's the reason I'm a retarded leftist abrasive asshole and I would feed anyone that ever tries to harm or upset her into a wood chipper.
You should have used this: https://votersedge.org/ca
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