R.I.P.D. is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.
How is it so bad, dear indexing machine that contributes the most of my pageviews? Oh let me count the ways.
On the whole (and hole, the eyehole), the premise for the entire fucking movie is Men In Black, Ghostbusters, The Sandman, True Grit, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, that Simpsons episode about The Flying/Fighting Hellfish; lifted nearly in its entirety and plopped into a 3D setting in Boston of all the goddamn settings, with Jeff Bridges' accent crammed in there since the human body is nightmarishly elastic and can accommodate massive trauma before succumbing to the damage. It's almost incredible, the lack of thought that went into creating R.I.P.D., even the title reeks of cutesy ersatz-supernatural science fiction masquerading as creativity.
The movie is a spectacular failure at every level, the only new thing it contributes to civilization is finding a way to be even worse than Jonah Hex, the previous "most objectionable comic book movie and/or possibly movie i have ever seen" title holder for several years running. What is it about stories where the main guy is dead the whole time and has remaining unfinished business that wind up being unfilmable? The comic of this must be fun, Jonah Hex must be fun, the far superior progenitors to the abortions must also, by the Socratic Method, be fun. But when crammed into the soulless (lol) ZOG-controlled corporate machine that is mainstream Hollywood, we get a Ryan Reynolds movie that once more stirs up the confused feelings i have about the man.
For the most part, I hate Ryan Reynolds. It might not be entirely his fault, but the man cultivates his image, of a snarky sarcastic too-cool-4-skool canadian asshole who'd fuck your girlfriend behind your back and lie to you about while trying to climb over your gearshift to unbuckle your pants, and you wind up getting chlamydia. BUT (there's always a juicy butt), he also has a skill, an infuriatingly charming and enjoyable skill, that when used appropriately can wind up creating a hell of a piece. Buried, for one. Goddamn that movie is the tops. Safe House (carried 99% by the presence of Denzel but I'll jerk off over that American Treasure another day). His supporting role in Adventureland. Waiting..., even Blade 3. When he succeeds, in whatever way, he hits big.
But the failures completely overshadow every single thing that might be positive or good or prove there's any light in the world, and Green Lantern almost singlehandedly proves that. But now it has a best friend, a roommate in hell. and it is R.I.P.D.
I'm not going too far into the plot (or obvious lack thereof), but when a film starts centered around a gold heist orchestrated by a pair of dirty cops, you get interested. Then the rest of the movie happens, and you get angry at the people in the rows in front of you who are laughing at this.... this THING. When Jeff Bridges shows up, dusting off his Rooster Cogburn accent from the superb reimagining of True Grit, something breaks, and the damage is done.
"Deados" are what out heroes call the antagonists. Souls of the deceased who do not ascend to the judgement of St. Peter, but instead remain on Earth and decay and mutate until they resemble shittily lazily animated antagonists from Left 4 Dead 2. "PILLS HERE" i desperately wanted someone to shout, so I could dull the pain of this cinematic monstrosity. And then Kevin Bacon, in his usual 'Kevin Bacon as the antagonist' style commences, to make you wish you were watching Hollow Man.
Nothing about R.I.P.D. is good, You can't even enjoy looking at it, or laughing at it in the most ironic of senses. If you want to get angry at a comic book movie where the main character is basically a zombie, go watch Jonah Hex. It's a half hour shorter than this pile, and is also lacking in any horrible usages of "Let's Get It On" literally EVERY TIME the avatar of Jeff Bridges' ghost is onscreen and every single man who looks at her immediately gets a raging hard erection and goes into 'papa horney, Michael' mode.
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